


worry stone

by opposedplanet



Category: My Time At Portia (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 12:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20115265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opposedplanet/pseuds/opposedplanet
Summary: Alice knows she isn't good enough.  She is afraid of her own shadow and struggling to make ends meet.  It hurts, but it doesn't surprise her when Jack starts bringing his new role model around.





	worry stone

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I am not a Higgins fan. I think his character is underdeveloped and I can't take him seriously. That being said, I DO love Alice and Jack and I can't figure out why Jack would be looking to Higgins for business advice if there wasn't something redeemable about him.
> 
> Plus, I woke up yesterday with this idea about a door stuck in my head, so.
> 
> Just as a warning, this does deal with a pretty depressed Alice. Like, nothing explicit and she doesn't like hurt herself or anything, but it was really hard to write because it was hard to be in that emotional headspace?

The knock on the door scares her. Things like that still scare her. She's afraid it'll be another conversation like "we're sorry ma'am, but your parents have been in an accident," or it'll be some soldiers come to tell them that the fighting is too close, that it's time to evacuate, that they have to leave their home and the parents they just put in the ground and the equilibrium they were finally starting to find. 

"Do you want me to get it?" Jack asks, his voice hoarse with sleep when she hesitates at the knob and the knocking comes again. 

She's selfish. She wants to say yes, because her heart is tense with worry about what might be on the other side, but _ she _ is the adult. It can't fall on Jack to face the world for her.

She is thankful every day to have him. 

She isn't sure when her baby brother started to be the one to take care of _ her. _ It breaks her heart and makes her want to cry. He's so young, so bright, and he deserves so much more than the pieces she’s been able to fit together from the hand they've been dealt.

Alice shakes her head.

"Go back to sleep, Jack. It's Saturday."

He grumbles and pulls the blanket back up while she grips the knob in both hands to twist and then yanks the door as hard as she can. It's Higgins standing on the other side of the frame and she doesn't know what she expected but it wasn't that. He takes a step back to make room for her to join him, so she pulls the door until it's just cracked in case Jack does fall back to sleep, so that she doesn't make all that noise when she retreats into their dark home. 

"Can I help you?" she asks and then winces. That was her customer service voice. She doesn't remember how to just talk to people anymore. 

"You want me to fix your door?" 

"Huh?"

"Jack told me it was broken." 

"Oh. Um, I don't… but Jack is still sleeping."

"No, I'm not!" her brother yells, pulling the door open and hopping on one foot while he tries and fails to get his shoe on without unlacing it. Alice watches him for a fond moment. Maybe she should just break down and buy him a set with velcro, since he hates having to tie them so much. He probably needs a new pair, anyway.

"Hey, Higgins."

"Morning, squirt," the other man greets, and she watches the easy way he reaches out to ruffle her brother's hair.

Higgins sets down a bag of tools which is the first that she realizes he's carrying them.

"You might be better off with a new door," he comments.

Alice winces. She was afraid of that. The whole reason she had tried (and failed) to fix it herself was because she didn't know how she could _ afford _ a new door. Autumn was just around the corner and Jack was going to need a new coat and probably another round of jeans and long sleeve shirts because he just keeps _ growing. _

"I'll see what I can do."

She opens her mouth to protest, because now she's thinking about money and she doesn't even know what he's going to charge, she hadn't posted a commission at the Guild for this _ exact reason- _

"Do you need help getting the shop set up, sis?" Jack asks, and she realizes it's getting late, she's going to be late.

"I'm okay, Jack," she promises, "just uh, can you water the garden for me? And let me know if you plan on going anywhere?"

Jack nods so she turns to Higgins.

"Swing by the shop whenever you're… done," she shrugs. It has to happen. Portia is a safe place, but she'll feel better about the afternoons Jack spends by himself if the door closes and locks properly. She'll just have to figure something out. 

Hopefully it will be a busy day.

***

Jack stops by around lunch to bring her a sandwich and to tell her he's headed off to play with Toby, which means that the builder must have finished with the door already.

She spends the rest of the afternoon worried, fidgety and anxious about what he did or what he's going to tell her he still needs to do. It makes it hard for her to focus, which makes it hard for her to give her customers her very best service. When she finally spots Higgins he's strolling past her like he isn't even planning to stop, so she waves to get his attention while she finishes helping Nora pick out just the right heart knot. 

The missionary is sweet, and Alice hopes that her work is beautiful enough to contribute to the budding romance between the other woman and Arlo. 

"Thanks, Alice."

"It's no trouble. Good luck," she wishes Nora, who nods a little wearily to Higgins before she walks off.

Alice sighs and tries to imagine that she is calm like stone, that she is an unchanging ocean.

"How'd it go with the, uh, with the door?"

"It's seated properly on the hinges again, but I'll stop by and replace it in a few days."

Alice shakes her head.

"You don't need to do that. If it opens and closes, then that's good enough. Um, what do I owe you?"

"You _ need _ a door."

She is stone. She is the ground and the wheat fields in the summer sun. She is not going to cry just because he's giving her a judgemental and condescending look. 

"I can't-"

"Look, I'm _going to_ _replace it._ Consider it an early birthday gift."

"Oh. No, I couldn't…" she trails off when he rolls his eyes, "okay. Thank you. At least - at least take some flowers?"

He sighs like this is the very worst thing she could be doing to him, but lets her pick out a pretty bouquet and listens when she stammers through an explanation on the best way to keep them looking fresh.

When she watches him leave she is relieved but also mortified by his charity. Does the whole town see her like that? Do they worry about her ability to care for herself and her brother? Does everyone know that she just isn't _ good enough? _

Packing up the shop doesn't take long, it _ had _ been a pretty busy day, so she goes home and sits at her tiny dining table and vents her frustrations by writing until Jack comes home looking sun-kissed and tired.

"Hey," she greets, "did you guys have fun?"

"Yeah. Toby wanted to go hunt for the ghost girl in the cemetery again."

"Oh. That sounds pretty scary."

Jack shrugs and kicks off his shoes by the door. 

"What's for dinner?"

"I was thinking about spaghetti. Does that sound okay?"

He nods, so Alice packs away her novel so that Jack can use the table for his homework while she pokes around the small kitchen and puts the water on. 

"Hey sis?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you want for your birthday?"

Oh. No wonder he seemed so anxious. Alice always tries to do something nice on his birthday, because he deserves it, but she wishes he wouldn't stress about hers. She is happy to be with him, to have him safe and healthy.

"Maybe _ you _ can make _ me _ dinner," she teases. Jack is frowning at her though, so she sighs and sets down the knife she'd been using to chop onions and carrots with and comes over to kneel beside him.

"Don't worry about it. Mr. Higgins says that he's going to get us a new door as a birthday gift and I _ know _ you are the one who must have convinced him to come in the first place. That's enough for me, okay?"

He doesn't say anything else, even though he looks unhappy, so Alice goes back to monitoring the pasta.

She tries not to be offended when Jack starts talking about how Higgins is “so cool.”

It’s good for him to have someone to look up to, and being a builder is a lot _ cooler _ than running a flower shop. Alice knows she isn’t exactly role model material; half the time she’s frightened by her own shadow and the other half she is anxious about how she’s going to pay their bills, but she likes to think she’s doing an okay job. 

Jack stops talking all of a sudden and that’s when she realizes she's crying, which is dumb, it’s so dumb, because she has her baby brother and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter that Higgins gives Jack business advice that Jack then tries to turn around and give her. It doesn't matter that it drives a knife into her heart that he knows she's struggling to be successful enough to support them both. It doesn't matter that she feels like she isn't good enough, like she's failing him, because she has her baby brother and that means the world is okay. 

"Hey, what's wrong sis?"

She sniffs and wipes at her face and pulls him close to her. If he's in her arms then she knows that he's safe, because Alice will burn the world and tear down the sky to keep him that way. 

"It's nothing. I just love you so much," she whispers. 

"I love you, too."

She wants to tell him that she's sorry, that she's _ trying, _but she isn't brave enough to acknowledge her failures anywhere but in her own head and it would kill her to know how little Jack actually thinks of her. 

"I'm okay. Wow, I'm sorry about that. We should probably go to bed, right?"

***

She offers a weak smile to Higgins the next morning in the Temple and Jack is thrilled when he comes to sit with them instead of his usual place near the front with Phyllis and Lucy.

The change in routine makes her anxious, but Jack has never been more well behaved during Minister Lee's sermon than he is sitting next to the dark haired man, so Alice tries to take it as one more thing to be thankful for. 

After, he walks back with them and lingers for a moment watching her set up the shop for half the day, until Jack comes sprinting from their house carrying a little box. 

"Sis, I'll be back later."

"Okay," she agrees, "don't bother Mr. Higgins too much."

"I won't!"

"He's a good kid," the builder tells her. It makes her feel a little proud because yeah, Jack _ is _ a good kid.

***

When he comes to install the door it's midweek and mid-afternoon. Jack is still hanging out with her at the shop before he has to go do his homework, but he jumps in excitement to see the builder.

"Oh, you finished it!"

"Hey squirt," Higgins greets, and lifts his arm for Jack to hug him around his side, "you gonna help me put this up?"

"Oh! Can I?"

"Sure. How are you with a hammer?"

"Better than sis is," Jack tattles. Alice flushes in embarrassment.

"It isn't for everyone," Higgins offers with a shrug.

"Thank you for doing this," she says, repressing a smile for the way Jack is jumping around the builder. He looks uncomfortable for her words and shrugs one shoulder, though he never averts his gaze. That falls to Alice, who turns to busy herself with something until he and her brother take the door and go.

Something about the easy way they chat while they walk away makes her feel lonely. 

***

On Monday she has a hard time getting Jack out of bed. They are both still tired from staying up over the weekend to watch the Wishing Lanterns, and she feels bad even as she ushers him out of bed and makes sure he has his homework, that he remembered to grab his lunch out of the fridge, that he puts his coat on before he leaves the house so she can see him off to school. 

"Don't work too hard today," he says before he leaves, tugging at the sleeve of her sweater. When she tilts her head to him in question he sighs like he's disappointed, "because it's your birthday?"

"Oh, I guess it is. How about I close the shop when you get out of school and we take a walk to the beach or something?" she suggests. The smile he gives her is enough to ease the anxiety she feels over the potential loss of income, but it's the first of the month and she figures that's enough time to play catch up. 

He practically skips off to class and Alice feels guilty that maybe she doesn't spend enough time with him. Ten years old is too young to be worried about the milestones in other people's lives. He should be playing in the field and groaning to be fussed over, not relieved when she makes an offer to clear her schedule.

For all that she has done to try and let him be a child, she worries that he has been forced to grow up too quickly. The thought makes it hard for her to swallow around the lump in her throat. Just one more way that she hasn't done right by him. 

Alice spends the day preoccupied with her thoughts, so she doesn't notice she has a visitor at the shop until Higgins clears his throat and she turns to find him near the flowers. 

"Oh. Hello."

"Happy birthday," he says and holds out his fist, gesturing for her. 

"You already gave me a gift?"

"Just _ take _it."

She holds out her palm, bewildered, and he places a rock in her hand. She curls her fingers around it, warm from being held.

The little stone is blue and white, beautifully smooth with an indent carved out on one side.

"What is it?"

Higgins sighs and watches her carefully.

"It's called a worry stone. You fiddle with it when you get nervous, or something. My sister loves them," he explains.

Experimentally she turns it over and presses her thumb into the groove. 

"It's beautiful. Thank you."

He scoffs and turns on his heel and leaves. Alice finds herself holding the stone in her hand for a long time after that, even when Jack runs up to her after school lets out and helps her pack the shop away.

Her brother takes her hand and skips all the way down to the river. Alice wishes she had a fishing pole or something, because Jack loves watching the catfish and will sometimes stomp into the water to try and catch them with his hands.

"I'm sorry that this isn't much," he tells her, kicking at the grass and holding out a bit of carved crystal on a piece of string.

"Jack," she breaths, turning the necklace over in her hands, "it's beautiful. Where did you get this?"

"I made it."

"You made it? Oh, help me put it on."

She kneels into the grass and pulls aside her hair so that he can knot the sting around her neck, and then she turns and presses a kiss to his forehead.

"You like it?"

"I love it," she promises.

"Toby helped me mine the crystal and then Higgins showed me how to craft it!"

"That was very kind of both of them."

Jack nods and leans in to hug her. 

"Okay, let's go back. Django gave me a recipe to try!"

"Oh, so you _ are _ going to make me dinner?"

"Yeah!"

The kitchen ends up a horrible mess and the meal is burned, but it's the best day Alice has had in a long time.

***

"Hey there, little fellow."

"Sam!" Alice exclaims and then practically leaps into the blonde woman's arms.

"Whoa, hey! I guess I haven't been around in too long, if that's the kind of greeting I get."

Alice shakes her head, still holding on. Sam gives the best hugs, just a touch too tight, but in a way that makes her feel safe instead of suffocated.

The Civil Corps woman is the kindest and most compassionate person that Alice has ever known. When they met, Sam was out on patrol just as Alice was leaving the dock, feeling a little seasick and carrying Jack who had fallen asleep on the ride. She had been scared, at first, of the tough looking woman who approached them, but Sam dismounted her horse and held up her hands to show she didn't mean them harm. 

Meeting her was the first time that Alice felt like she'd made the right decision to leave the group of other refugees and make her way to the tiny town of Portia. It was Sam who helped her find their small home, it was Sam who supported her when she decided to open her own shop, it was Sam who held her late into the night when she was worn out and overwhelmed and shell-shocked, those first weeks, after she put Jack to bed and found herself crying outside the door of their home so she wouldn't wake him.

"I see you got your door fixed."

"Jack asked Higgins to come replace it for us."

"Higgins? Really?"

"He didn't even charge me," she explains, dragging over a cracked plastic chair so her friend can sit. Alice settles on the stone ground near her.

"That's. Wow. I'll have to go thank him. I was worried about you guys."

She shakes her head and reaches into her pocket for the little worry stone, pressing her thumb against it for comfort. 

"I don't think he'd like that, honestly. He was really uncomfortable when _ I _ tried to thank him."

Alice doesn't know much about the builder, even though he has taken to stopping by the shop in the mornings. She doesn't care much for gossip, is too worried she might hear something about herself, but even so the town doesn't seem to talk much about him, the same way he doesn't seem to talk much about the town. 

She wonders, sometimes, if he feels just as lonely and isolated as she does. 

"It's just not something I would have expected from him."

"Jack really looks up to him. You should see them together, Sam."

Alice is learning to let it go, those feelings of resentment and jealousy. Her brother is growing up and she tells herself to be proud that he is preparing to make his way in the world, because he will be so wonderful. He will overcome his beginnings and _ his _ life will be so much more than the limitations she has placed on them. 

She only wants him to be happy. 

She shifts, comfortable with the unreadable and knowing look Sam has fixed her with, until the other woman shugs. 

"Okay, I guess. Hey, help me eat this junk food. Phyllis won't be on my case so much if I share it."

***

"Sis?" 

Alice blinks awake, startled by her brother's voice in her ear. When she shifts to sit up he climbs into the bed beside her and hugs tight at her stomach. 

"What's wrong? Did you have a bad dream?"

"Do you have any pictures of mom and dad?" he asks.

"Of course."

"Can I… can I look at them? I'm worried that I can't - Sis, I'm worried that I'm forgetting them."

Her heart falls right out. Of course he's having a hard time. He was _ four _ when they died, still just a baby and too young to really understand when she gathered him into her lap and tried to explain that they weren't coming home. She has photos. She had painstakingly packed them away in her bag because she couldn't bear to go without them when they had to leave _ not even a year later _ due to conflict. 

She never _ unpacked _ them. 

They are a reminder of the worst years of her life. It hurts too much for her to look at pictures of them all, when they were happy and together. On her very bad days she is angry with her parents for leaving them, for leaving _ her _ with so much confusion and responsibility, for leaving her in the middle of a war that they had to flee from.

Her brother was maybe too young to remember that, too. The fear she had every day that they would never be safe again. The uncertainty over where they would sleep, what they would eat, if they would ever be able to settle. Alice had tried to make each day into some sort of game just to see him happy because he was, and is, all that's left of her heart.

She loves Jack with every last fiber of her being, but she was too young, she is still too young to be caring for another person. 

It was selfish of her to hide the photos, though. They are Jack's family as much as they were hers, and it hurts her to see him sobbing like he is ashamed to be forgetting. 

It's her fault. That shame is hers. She cries with him.

"I'll get them for you in the morning," she promises. "Do you want to sleep with me?"

Jack nods, miserable even when he finally settles and drifts off. 

Alice doesn't sleep the rest of the night.

***

The idea is only half formed in her head when she runs out into the street and catches Higgins' arm as he is walking back from the Commerce Guild the next morning. 

"What is it?" he asks. 

She doesn't think he means to be so abrasive. He isn't angry. He didn't try to shake her off. He is waiting patiently for her to explain herself. 

"I was wondering, if you aren't too busy, if you could make something for me? A commission?"

His gaze is piercing, his eyes dark and his lips pursed, but he is gentle when he touches her elbow and then the small of her back to lead her out of the road and back toward her shop. 

"What do you need?" he asks, and again his aggressive tone is at odds with the way he is fingering the petals of one bouquet, with the way he is even giving her the time from his busy schedule. 

"Just some picture frames. Probably about 5 of them?" 

"That will be easy," he shrugs and turns to leave. Alice reaches out and somehow manages to catch his hand. Her heart thuds once, twice, before she realizes what she's done and lets him go with a start. 

"No, but how much wi-"

"It's for Jack?"

"Yeah. How did you know?"

Higgins shrugs and meets her eyes. She finds herself reaching into her pocket, thumb pressed into the indent on the stone there.

"He likes to talk to me," he explains.

"Oh."

She doesn't know what else to say. It hurts too much to think that her brother felt like he needed outside input before he could come to her. The best case scenario she can imagine is that it was some sort of male bonding that she doesn't understand. Worst case? 

Well, the worst case is that Jack didn't trust her enough to come to her when he was struggling. 

Either way, the options make her feel low. 

"Thank you. For being there for him."

He gives her a funny look and after a long moment reaches out to pat her shoulder. Alice doesn't get a lot of human touch, she's too skittish of people, so she doesn't know how to feel about Higgins providing her with more contact than she's had outside of Jack or Sam in _ ages. _

"He looks up to you."

Alice feels her lip wobble. The words feel like a bad joke. She shakes her head. 

"How could he?" she whispers.

She is nothing. 

He doesn't seem to know what to say to that, just shrugs and keeps watching while she pulls herself together. 

"I'll get the frames to you today."

***

She is putting together Jack's school lunch for the next day when the thought occurs to her. 

"Jack, when is Mr. Higgins' birthday?"

"Oh. I don't know. Why?"

"I was just thinking that we should do something nice for him. He's been really kind to us, and I know how much you look up to him."

She is watching her brother for his reaction and is gratified to see the smile split his face and the way his eyes light up. 

He had been thrilled when he came home from school and found the pictures framed and hanging above his bed. Higgins had been kind enough to help her mount them, because she worried she'd do a poor job herself and they might fall on her brother in the night.

"What kind of things does he like?" she asks. 

"I dunno. He doesn't talk a lot. I think he just likes to be around people."

"Jack," Alice scolds, "really? How can you not know more about your role model?"

"_You're _ my role model," he defends. Alice doesn't like the way he sits with his shoulders hunched. She sighs and kneels next to him so she can place a hand on his shoulder.

"You don't have to spare my feelings like that. I'm _ glad _ you found someone to look up to."

She is horrified by the tension her brother is shaking with. He looks close to tears, gaping at her like she's grown an extra head and it isn't as cool as he'd imagined.

"Jack," she says softly, rubbing his shoulder to comfort him. 

"Sis, you packed me a tiny bag so that I wouldn't feel left out that you had one, and then you carried _ me _ and _ all of our things _ all the way here from _ Lucien." _

She doesn't know why she starts crying. He makes it sound like so much, when really all she did was trudge on because there wasn't another option. Jack is the real victim, he is the real survivor. She still has days where she is reliving the gunfire and terror, still has days where she wakes up in the night and has to remind herself to breathe because they are safe. She still has days where she isn't sure that all of her came out the other side, because she is still _ so scared. _

Alice is broken, but her brother is whole and that is the real accomplishment.

"Even if you never did anything else for me, you would still be my hero."

"Jack," she sobs, clinging to him. 

"Sis, I think maybe you should talk to someone."

He lets her cry into his shoulder for a long time and then, because her baby brother is too much of an adult to be almost eleven, he puts her to bed.

***

Jack goes with her when she seeks out Sam, and he goes with her when Sam sends her to Phyllis. 

He holds one of her hands while she presses the thumb of her other into the worry stone and cries. He cries with her while she breaks herself down and picks at the pieces to find the best ones for a new foundation.

It isn't quick. 

Every day is so much harder than the one before. She forces herself to be open and vulnerable, forces herself to listen to Jack when he tells her she is doing too much, that she needs to go easy, to rest.

A few weeks in, Higgins joins them for her brother's birthday. That is easier for her, because she is used to living for Jack. The break from having to think about herself is a relief, and Jack spends the day acting like a child instead of her keeper. 

It's good for her soul, to see her brother so happy. 

In that time, she learns that the builder grew up poor, that his family still lives on the outskirts of Portia, that he never sees them. 

She learns about his rivalry with the new builder in town (she suspects, based on the way he talks, that he is actually relieved to have someone else around to shoulder some of the endless commissions). She learns to listen to what he says instead of to the aggressive and arrogant way he speaks.

She learns what he looks like when he smiles.

***

It's an embarrassment. 

She has a lot of grandiose ideas about romance and Knights in shining armor and someone coming to sweep her off her feet, but she knows nothing about the way that love feels when it starts to bloom. 

Higgins and Jack approach her one afternoon, as she is breaking down the shop, and the former pulls something from behind his back and offers her a single bellflower. 

Her brother is grinning like this is the best thing to ever happen, but Alice is shocked and shaking when she reaches out to accept it.

"Oh. I. Oh," she says, because she doesn't have words for the twisting in her stomach and the warmth in her heart. 

Higgins shrugs and for once won't meet her eyes.

"Come to the workshop. Let me make you both dinner."

She swallows down her heart and nods.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
